


Devil’s Talk (And What Comes of It)

by Morgane (smilla840)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode Tag, M/M, Pre-Slash, Season 1, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-03
Updated: 2012-11-03
Packaged: 2017-11-17 16:32:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/553613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smilla840/pseuds/Morgane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean’s stream of consciousness at the end of 'Devil’s Trap'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Devil’s Talk (And What Comes of It)

**Author's Note:**

> Season 1 fic, set during the finale. Originally posted at my livejournal.

When they rescue their father, it’s almost too easy. Except of course, it isn’t, not really, and Sam gets the crap beaten out of him and Dean has to use the Colt to save his/their asses. So he puts the whole ‘weirdness’ thing out of his mind, tells himself he’s paranoid and drives them to the cabin. But one thing Dean should have considered is that he has _reasons_ to be fucking paranoid, and that his gut is (almost) always right. 

Then when his dad wakes up and starts talking about being proud of him and how Dean keeps their family together, something is so off that Dean’s bad feeling comes back with a factor 10. Because sure, it’s nice and all but so not like John Winchester that it makes Dean’s heart ache. His father never has and never would say anything like that to Dean. To Sam maybe. But not to Dean, who probably needs it just as much if not more. But he learned to do without. He doesn’t mind now. Can’t miss what you never had, right?

Dean waits ‘til Sam is out of the room and his dad – no, not his dad, the demon – starts asking repeatedly for the Colt to confront him. Turns out, he is right, and it’s one of those moments when he really wishes he wasn’t, that his dad had just gotten hit over the head one time too many and was delusional enough to _actually_ compliment Dean. 

 

Dean is so grateful when Sam moves to stand next to him that he feels he might cry – though he won’t, of course, another thing his dad cured him off – because Sam believes him and thrusts him to know better. But in the end, he can’t shoot that thing, not if it means killing his father.

Before he gets slammed against the wall, he wonders briefly if Sam would have pulled the trigger. It doesn’t matter now anyway and Dean’s small comfort is that the demon might kill him but he doesn’t think it’ll kill Sammy. And that’s all that matters really.

Still, he does his best to keep the demon’s attention on him, mouthing off as he is known to do. That thing’s smirking and Dean figures it probably knows what he is trying to do. Yet it seems to enjoy the verbal sparring as it moves closer to Dean, taunting him. Dean tries his best to keep his face blank and not to react to what he is saying, more for Sam’s benefit than anything else really. But it’s hard to hear truths Dean has known for a long time and kept hidden in his heart spoken out loud in his father’s voice.

 

_‘They don’t need you, not like you need them.’_

 

Well, that isn’t really fresh news now is it? His dad doesn’t need anyone, because John Winchester is the definition of self-sufficient. Dean is useful, yes, especially when Sammy was still around, but needed? No, definitely not. After all, his dad had no trouble ditching him in the middle of nowhere with a ‘I’ll see you in a couple of days when I get back’. Dean had waited a week, and another, then he had started calling hospitals and morgues. And hadn’t that been fun! He knows his father’s reasons for it now and while he agrees that they were all safer that way, he still has trouble with _how_ his dad got around to achieve his aims. Would it have hurt to say that he had to go away for some time because he was hunting some demon, instead of simply disappearing? Dean is a good little soldier, he would have said ‘yes sir’ and ‘I’ll see you when you get back.’

Like he always does.

And Sammy... Well Sammy demonstrated four years ago that he didn’t need them, didn’t need _Dean_ at all. He left him and forgot all about him too, if the lack of phone calls was anything to go by. 

When Dean had told him about their dad checking up on him in Stanford, what he _hadn’t_ said was that Dean had done the exact same thing. Sam had looked great and happy, and clearly Dean is the only one his brother’s absence made miserable. Therefore there must be something wrong with him. Except he can’t bring himself to think that loving his brother that much (too much?) is wrong. Is a weakness though. Hell, Sam is already planning to go back – to leave him again. He had said so himself, and for a second there, Dean had hoped they never found what had killed Mom and Jessica.

And what hurts, what really hurts more than anything the demon could ever say or do, is that he knows Sam won’t even look back when he leaves.

 

_‘Sam, he’s clearly John’s favorite. Even when they fight it’s more concern that he’s ever shown you.’_

 

Dean can’t stop a small flinch and his father’s – no, the demon’s – smile widens. But it’s alright. He has known that one for a long time too, just like he knows his father loves him too. He just loves Sammy more. John can’t help it and Dean doesn’t mind because it’s _Sammy_ and Sammy deserves the best of everything. Hell, he is _Dean’s_ favorite too so it’s only fair. That’s why sometimes he gets mad at Sam when his brother starts moaning about how his father doesn’t love him and other bullshit. Dean wants to shake him and shout at him and ‘don’t you SEE? How CAN’T you see?’

The demon is leaning close now, much too close for Dean’s comfort and he wants to lash out but he can’t even fucking move. And there is something, something more than amusement and cruelty in the creature’s eyes, something Dean is very familiar with because he has seen it in the eyes of women and men everywhere (and that’s not his ego talking) but it makes his skin crawl because those are his _father’s_ eyes and it’s just _wrong_.

He can almost hear the thing speaking to him in his head in his father’s voice and prays he is imagining things because he doesn’t want that thing anywhere near his brain but the words become clearer and Dean knows it’s no hallucination.

_‘Pretty boy. You’ve always been too pretty for your own good, haven’t you Dean? Did you know you look just like your mother? Did your daddy ever tell you that? Sometimes he looks at you and he sees her in your face. Yes, just like her...’_

And Dean can’t stand it any longer, he feels sick, and thank God Sam isn’t hearing this. So he does the thing he does best, he laughs in the thing’s face, taunting him about its ‘kids’ and yeah, payback is a bitch isn’t it?

 

The pain is almost a relief after that, except he wishes he could have spared Sam. He shouldn’t have to watch his brother getting killed by their father’s own hands. Sure won’t improve their relationship. Still, a small part of him is glad that he will die before Sammy. He loves him so fucking much that at times it’s embarrassing. Sam will smile and laugh and Dean will find himself smiling and laughing with him because Sam is happy. Sam will be sad or scared and Dean will make his business that it never happens again anytime soon. He doesn’t think he could bear knowing that his little brother is dead if he was still alive, because it would mean he failed to protect him. 

So he is glad he will die first, and he knows it’s not right but in this, in just this, he feels the need to be selfish. And he is sorry, so sorry but fuck it hurts so damn much and Dad, why are you doing this? Why are you letting it do this to me?

Suddenly it stops, except it doesn’t really because the pain is still coming in waves. When he falls to the ground a fresh bout of agony flares through his body and he reflexively clutches his chest. There is a lot blood, too much, and Dean can feel it soaking his shirt, and shit, he might still die after all. His dad is okay though, and so is Sam, so that’s good. Except of course he can’t even die in peace and the demon is still here.

He can’t quite believe it when their dad starts asking Sam to kill him. Or rather, he can believe it only too well and he has never been so disappointed in his father. It’s a foreign feeling and he doesn’t like it. Doesn’t he even care about what killing him would do to Sam? Is revenge really worth ruining his son’s life? And what if the demon had been inside Dean – or, God forbids, Sammy? Would John have shot one of his sons to avenge his dead wife? Dean thinks he knows the answer and it chills him. For the first time ever he thinks hating John would be easier – how dare he try to turn Sammy into a murderer? – but that’s something he just can’t do.

He had meant to order Sam not to shoot but it comes out more like begging and he doesn’t care, doesn’t care and _please Sam don’t do this, it’s not worth it, please_... Dean doesn’t care if his father ends up hating him for the rest of his life, he is doing this for Sam too. And Sam doesn’t pull the trigger and the demon leaves their father’s body. The sudden silence in the wrecked cabin is almost overwhelming and Dean wants to sob in relief but it hurts too much and all he can get out is a moan.

Immediately Sam’s warm presence is back next to him and his voice is breaking. Dean wants to tell him not to cry, that he is going to be alright now but he can’t seem to make his mouth work. Instead Sam pulls him up, cradling him against his chest and if Dean had the energy he would scowl. Sam is trying to slow the blood flow and Dean vaguely wonders how come he still has any in his body. He doesn’t mind though and he wants nothing more than to pass out. But he can’t, not right now, because Sam is too emotional to think straight and their dad... is still lying on the floor staring at nothing, lost in despair and self-loathing. Probably wondering where he screwed up in raising Sammy – oh wait, that’s right, he didn’t, I did, Dean thinks bitingly and blinks, wondering where that came from. Still, it once again falls to him to get his family back on their feet.

“Sammy... we have to get out of here.”

Sam is already nodding, his emotions back under control and he tries to pull Dean to his feet.

“No. Dad first.” he says in a voice that, no matter how weak, leaves no room for argument.

Sam hesitates and Dean thinks he is going to fight him on this, but in the end his brother reluctantly makes his way to their dad’s side. Dean silently sends thanks to whatever deity is making Sam so compliant – God knows he could use its help more often – and watches them make their slow way through the door.

 

It seems only a second has passed before Sam is back, looking all worried again, and Dean figures he probably passed out for a while there. He feels so grateful for everything his brother has done for him today – though he is pretty sure Sam wouldn’t agree – that he does the only thing he can think of. He kisses him. And the angle is awkward, the touch only fleeting and almost chaste, but it’s the most perfect thing Dean has ever experienced, which probably says a lot about him. It makes sense in a way, and God knows he has wanted to try _that_ for quite some time. 

Maybe Sam understands now.

Sam, who is looking like he is trying very hard to figure something out. He doesn’t seem particularly put out though, and that’s good, Dean guesses. Just surprised, like he never saw that one coming, and maybe his brother isn’t as bright as he thinks he is after all.

“We’re going to have to talk about that, you know?” Sam finally says lightly as he hauls Dean up, and the groan he gets in answer is only partly due to the pain. Dean can feel a chick-flick moment coming, and maybe dying won’t be so bad.

His brother half-carries him to the car and Dean tries really hard not to let him see how much it hurts. He is not sure he is entirely successful, because Sam is whispering soothing things all the way and Dean really wants to tell him to shut the fuck up already. His legs stop moving when they get close to the car and all he can think of is that he’ll never get all that blood off his fine upholstery. Sam seems to have foreseen his dilemma and shoves him – gently – in the back seat before he can say anything.

 

As they’re driving away and his eyes meet Sam’s in the rearview mirror,

_‘No sir, not before everything.’_

he finally lets himself drift. Sammy gets it now and it’s all that matter (well, that and getting to a hospital, and maybe some sex when he is all better – a guy can hope, right?). He won’t have to worry about Sam going all Dad on him again and scaring the shit out of him. Dad can continue his quest for revenge, Dean knows he is powerless to stop him, but at least he has saved his brother from the same fate.

They’ll be fine.

They’re safe for now.

 

He never sees that truck coming.


End file.
